Perfect
by danrdarrenc
Summary: Sami reflects on her failed relationship with Lucas. Oneshot, songfic based on "Perfect" by Julia Murney.


I stand in the living room of my apartment staring at the door through which Lucas has just disappeared. He has told me we can no longer be together and that this is the end of our relationship. Our final goodbye. I refuse to believe him; want to pretend that he doesn't mean it, that our hearts and souls can not be without the other so that we will be forced to reunite.

**We have to say goodbye**

**All things have to end**

**But I keep insisting**

**I go on resisting**

**Why should I pretend?**

I know I have been stupid to let the need for proof that Kate set me up in bed with Brandon control my life. But she pushed my buttons one time too many and I couldn't let her win. I see that letting a stranger convince me to disguise myself as a man in order to find the proof that I needed was incredibly foolish and childish. And I should have known that not telling Lucas upfront about who Stan really was would backfire. I have shattered any dreams we had of being happy.

**We pay for some mistakes**

**We never should have made**

**So it seems, we were living in dreams**

**And now those dreams fade**

**In a perfect world you'd hold me forever**

**In a perfect world our love would stand tall**

**But I'm not perfect**

**And you're not perfect**

'**Cause if you were**

**I wouldn't have loved you at all**

I realize just how far I've come since I was toxically in love with Austin when I was a teenager. But, as I stand watching Lucas vanish from my life, I also know that I still have so much farther to go. Still, I understand that imperfection is a part of who we are, that we can't rid ourselves of all our faults no matter how hard we try. If only Lucas could come to that conclusion and realize that I did what I did because I love him.

**It took a little time**

**For me to come so far**

**But finally I see that our impurity**

**Makes us who we are**

I wish I could turn back time for you, Lucas. I would never disguise myself. I would find the tapes that Eugenia made another way. I would not scheme and lie. But I can't go back and change things. We just have to deal with our mistakes and let them be. It seems like our gift is to break apart and leave each other abandoned and small.

**There's no going back**

**We can't undo the past**

**We've mastered the art of breaking apart**

**And falling so fast**

**In a perfect world you wouldn't have left me**

**Feeling left out, abandoned, and small**

**But I'm not perfect **

**And you're not perfect **

'**Cause if you were**

**I wouldn't have loved you**

I said a lot of stupid things to Lucas: that I couldn't believe he wouldn't believe that I hadn't slept with Brandon; that, even though he knew his mother did not want us to get married, he still chose to believe her story over mine; that he forced me to become Stan so that I could prove my innocence. I should have said so many other, different things to him: how much I love him and understand that he saw me in bed with my ex-lover and how much that hurt him; that I know my antics almost got us both killed and almost left Will an orphan; that he deserved to be angry.

I'm so sorry that I've been so completely dim-witted and brainless that I have totally and utterly ruined any chance Lucas and I had of being happy and waking up next to each other every morning; of getting married; of having more kids.

I fear that I have pushed Lucas too far away this time and that when I wake up tomorrow I will find that our love has been nothing but a dream.

**So I'm sorry for the million awful things I did and said**

**And the million other things I could have said and done instead**

**And I'm sorry you won't spend each minute growing old with me**

**I'm sorry that our life will never be**

**The two of us on Sunday morning **

**Waking as the light shines through**

**Knowing at that very moment **

**That I love you**

**And you love me too**

**In a perfect world we'd get to raise a family**

**In a perfect house with pictures on the wall**

**But I'm not perfect **

**And you're not perfect**

**And nothing's perfect**

**If we were perfect**

**We'd wake up one day unable to recall**

**If we had ever truly loved at all**


End file.
